I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
