I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
