I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
