he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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