True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
