I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
