my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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