why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
