Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
