Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
