Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Randomize
