He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
