Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I just cut my nipple shaving
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
