I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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