I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
