I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
