Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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