I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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