All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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