when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
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