getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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