He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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