I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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