Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Randomize
