matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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