the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Randomize
