She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
