Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
you would pick up someone in the library
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
