You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Randomize
