He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
