so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
