apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
