i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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