I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I'm passing your future prison.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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