He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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