i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
