Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
