Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Randomize
