he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Houston, we have a squirter
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize