All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
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