I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
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