I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Randomize
