Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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