Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
