So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
