Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
