speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
