Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Randomize
