A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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