i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
