if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize