I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
