There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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