Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Randomize