remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
