haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
