i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
