I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
