If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Define "chronic" masturbator.
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
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