Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
