my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
