I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
