I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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