I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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