so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
