just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
