apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
