At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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